The Price Is Right!
Unicorns,
As you all know we sent a motley looking crew of 15 people to the Price is. Right on
Wednesday 20th, January. After spending several hours waiting, filling out
paperwork, being scrutinized by the shows producer, and watching some lunatic women who
made Jerry Springer guests look intelligent, we finally made our way into the
studio. Upon entering the studio we were ushered to the back rows which we quickly
let everyone know was now Unicorn Territory with a few, "Who are the boys...."
calls that brought an appreciative applause from the crowd and crew. All those who
know anything about The Price is Right realize that if your going to get called to be a
contestant, it ain't going to be from the front rows, so now our expectations were very
high. We got the rundown from a fat bloke with a microphone, dressed like a boat in
the light parade around Newport Harbor at Christmas, on what we should and shouldn't do if
we here those magic words of "........ come on down". Then it was on!!!!
Lights, camera, action!!!!!
The first 4 names were read out and 4 happy campers, non of which was one of us, ran down
to the front waving and smiling. Although disappointed at not being amongst the
first 4 contestants, the producer had done us a huge favor and pick the best looking girl
in the audience to be up front. A huge sigh of relief could be heard from all those
Unicorns who had brought their better half because no longer would they get busted
stretching the neck in her direction. The good looking one guessed the right price
and up she went on stage. Bob Barker preceded to stick his hand in his pocket for
the rest of the segment and before long she was heading home with a nice little catch of a
new TV, wall unit, and a dress only she could wear. Here we go again with the come
on down. The magic words were right on the money this time, "Joe #$#^@ come on
down". It took about 5 seconds for all of us to realize that funny sounding
name was actually Joe the trainer. Alright, we were in. Joe took off at a hundred
miles an hour, like a bloke who has just eaten a plate full of hot peppers on a bad
stomach. After running half way down the ramp in 2 steps he stopped dead in his
tracks, like he hadn't made it to the dunny in time and just shit his pants. He
realized one thing, 'I'm a Unicorn and there right behind.' This is were Joe
broke rule number 1) Never stop running down the ramp when your name is called. He
turned to look at us and in one motion threw the hands in the air and let out a yell that
Randell would have been proud of. After a round of high fives and we settled in to
see what Joe could do.
Joe found his place up front and Bob brought out the first item up for bids, scuba
gear. Right up our man Joe's alley. If it wasn't for his commitment to the
Rugby team he would be out hunting mermaids in his spare time off the coast. Joe
requested the make, model, serial number and all that other stuff which really started to
piss Bob Baker off. Joe wasn't yielding and we could tell he was thinking, 'Get
pissed all you want Bob because this was serious stuff'. Eventually he posted a bid
of $1100. The token Army guy beside him upped it to $1200 and the redneck on the end
went for $1201. The price, $1144. "Joe, your a winner!" and up he
went on stage with the scuba gear in the bag. Rule number 2 went with him as he
proceeded up the stairs they specifically said not to use. Bob asked Joe all about
who he was and what Rugby Jersey he had on. After a bit of a chit chat the next
prizes he could win were revealed. A cot (Kingy could have used this), a motorbike
(Gary almost shot his load), and lawnmower equipment (Bruce could have mowed the pitch
before each game and would have definitely had a woody at the news we were bringing it
home). All he had to do was match 3 out of 4 prices with the stuff on
display. After a little deliberation with that little voice inside Joe's head and
know one else, he made his choices. The 2 he definitely had right were lit up and
then it was down to the Lawnmower equip. Is it $3000 or $1200?? Joe, who
believes in helping others out and must always let the local 'illegal' cut his grass,
obviously knew bugger all about cuttin' grass equipment and went for the $3000. Bob
questioned him repeatedly on whether he wanted to change it but Joe would only remark,
"I'm a Unicorn and I'm staying with it.' To his dismay, and no one bloody else
except George, he was unsuccessful in guessing the correct price. They ushered him
off stage which was followed by a verbal onslaught from the Unicorn territory up the back.
He was required to sit down up at the front for the remainder of the show which was
actually quite fortunate for him because J.B. was foaming at the month and thinking about
were he wanted to shove that scuba gear equipment Joe has just won.
The show went on and then a chance for redemption. The wheel spin for the showcase
showdown. Joe was first up, due to the fact that everyone else won more prizes than
him. This brings us to rule number 3) The wheel must spin at least one full
circle. In true limp wrist fashion, and something we have come to expect from a
former T-bone housemate, Joe's first spin went only 3/4 of the way around. Hanging
his head in shame he gave it another go and managed about one and a half rotations,
showing up the 80 year old women from the day before by a couple of inches. The
result!! 80c which is 80% of the way there. Now Joe was never good with math and if
you ever go to Vegas never piggy back bet on this guy. Bob Barker nearly had to pull
off a Happy Gilmore to try and stop Joe from taking another spin of the wheel and going
bust over $1. To put it in Blackjack terms it's like taking a hit on 20 when the
dealer shows 6. After referring to a bunch of Unicorns, that were jumping up and
down like a rugby player who had accidentally put heat rub on his balls when taking a leak
before a game, he decided to stay put on 80c. The next lady had no luck at all and ended
up with 35c. Joe was so excited at her bad fortune that it looked like he actually
'flipped her a bird' as she walked of stage and if I read his lips correctly it seemed
like he said 'suck shit', but it could have been 'bad luck' he was actually saying.
One down one to go. The final person that stood in his way at a chance of winning
the showcase was a master game show women who had already bagged a car for the day.
She was the sort of house wife that would send the hubby and kids off for the day, have
had a romp in the sack with the bloke next door and finished doing the dishes and making
the bed before her favorite game show was on at 9.00am. Spin number one was just an
inch to hard (not touching that one) and ended on 15c. She didn't bat and eyelid and
gave a icy stare at our man Joe. The next spin came up with 75c to give her a total
of 90c. The Unicorn adventure had come to an end and the chance of advancing any
further had been lost. Joe clenched his fist and if it wasn't for the producer
pulling him out of the way to let the other lady replace him, I think he would have popped
her one in the back of the head for good measure and probably give Bob Barker a quick kick
in the guts for Happy Gilmore.
Everyone from Unicorn territory sat down to contemplate what had, been and gone in a
flash. All of us except Joe thought that there were no other prizes on offer for the
day. Seeing his opportunity was lost on the stage he turned his attention to the
good sort who had been on stage before him and was also sitting down the front. In a
matter of 10 minutes we could see neither of them had any interest in the show and things
suddenly looked up again. By the end not only had he won the scuba gear but the
phone number of the best sort in the house. Just like a Unicorn, it ain't over
to we say it is.
After a quick Team meeting in the Unicorn territory it was decided that Joe could keep the
scuba gear as a gift from the Rugby Club for all his work over the last year and for his
future years with the Unicorns, where he will always be known as, 'Joe the Trainer.'
Show Airs on March 3rd, CBS Channel 2.
Thanks,
Phil.